There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
