forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
