I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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