Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
