Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
