Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
