and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
