Apparently you make a good broom.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
