Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
