3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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