It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just tell him i said nine months
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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