I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
