Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
