Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
