Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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