I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
