Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
