i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
