oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
