I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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