i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
