I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
