so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
