When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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