Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
