I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
