In the future we'll all be gay
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
