I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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