I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
