Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
