So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
