At least make sure they are 18
Why
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
