My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My life is pants optional.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
