this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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