after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize