No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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