I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
