Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
