i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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