I CAN MOONWALK!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
