go do what you do best...puke behind churches
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
