Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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