Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
