One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
