The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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