Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize