How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
