I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
