2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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