I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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