I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
