I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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