I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize