Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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