And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
