You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I could fuck to npr.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
