so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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