i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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