He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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