OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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