new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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