Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
