I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
